Subtitles created by : William Leonhart Sorry if there's anything wrong :)
NARRATOR : In the land of Sparta,
When babies were born,
The elders would inspect them for defects
Ah! Are you my mama?
Because I'm ready, to suckle a tit!
If any imperfections were found...
The baby was rejected.
And if the baby was Vietnamese,
Brangelina had first dibs.
Cute, huh?
Behold, Leonidas...
Awoo!
The perfect Spartan.
At an early age,
Leonidas was taught to fight.
Come on, you little shit. Come on!
- You can't beat me! - You're never gonna be a Spartan. Never!
Take this, granny!
NARRATOR : He was tortured. Tortured to show no pain.
Tell me, Mr. Bond. What is the account number?
Who the hell is Mr. Bond?
I'm Leonidas.
You're testing my patience, Double-Oh.
But, I'm not Double-Oh...
Little Miss Sunshine!
It's a nice one, huh?
It's not going in your mouth, this one.
Alright there. Mr. Bond, I'd like you to meet Captain Adorable
Good boy! Who's a good boy!
NARRATOR : Leonidas was sent into the wild...
To learn how to survive.
He braved the elements...
Endured starvation...
No mayo? This is bullshit!
The beast stalks Leonidas...
Red eyes glowing like the fires of Hell!
Man, you've got Happy Feet!
I'm about to shove up my Happy Foot up your ass, cracker!
- Nice penguin! - Where're you going, pussy?
I'm about to make you my bitch, Leonidas!
- The Taco Bell ain't sitting right. - Oh, it smells!
Caught you with your mouth open!
You're dead, Leonidas.
Say, 'Wazzup!' to Anna Nicole for me.
Shit, I'm stuck! Oh, we got a penguin pinned down!
Help! Help!
My ass!
My ass hurts! Uhh!
Why do you want to do me like that?
Come on, man!
I could hook you up! We could work it out!
I was just joke...
NARRATOR : And the boy that was cast into the wild...
...returned a king!
Wow!
Boobs!
Sign my rack!
And they're real too!
Yes!
Marry me?
- What's that? - The combination to my chastity belt.
NARRATOR : Leonidas was stoked.
He wed Margo and she bore him a fine son.
And life in the land of Sparta was good.
Yes! Yes! Good!
Thanks Dad!
Give me your hand. Remember son!
A warrior must learn to take a hit!
Fight with your head,
- Think with your heart. - Huh?
Give him the 'Piledriver', honey.
'Piledriver'?
That's my boy.
- My Queen! - Captain!
I can see Leonidas is molding our future king of Sparta to be a man.
I remember when my father used to beat me.
The traditional rites of passage.
No, my father was an alcoholic.
Xerxes' messenger awaits, my King.
- Greetings, Leonidas! - Greetings, messenger!
What the hell was that?
- What? - You just kissed me!
That is how men of Sparta greet one another.
High-fives for the women...
...and open-mouth tongue kisses for the men.
Ooh...
- I get it. - Get what?
Um... you have a... "free society" here.
Yes!
- The freest! - Not that there's anything wrong with that!
I dig, big, black dudes.
Yeah!
Come messenger, let us walk!
The great Xerxes has taken over the world with his vast Persian army.
He has set his sights with his final conquest.
Sparta!
Let us talk by the giant Pit of Death.
Okay!
Xerxes is a kind god-king,
and offers these peaceful alternatives to war!
No blood will be shed...
As long as you Spartan men built his pyramids...
And your women... become his sex slaves
And your children... work at sweat shops, making Nikes.
That sounds reasonable.
I'm sure you would think so, Councilman Traitoro.
Tell Xerxes,
To take his proposal,
and shove it...
What the hell?
What? He came onto me!
I did not! Dawg, your wife's a ho!
This means war!
Hey, hey! It's cool! It's cool! Huh...
We've got San Francisco, and West Hollywood. We don't need Sparta.
I'll just tell Xerxes it's a no-go!
Kick his ass in!
This is madness!
Madness?
This... is... Sparta!
Why did you do that? He was backing down!
My Lord, he will tell Xerxes that Sparta is not for them...
So whatever you do, don't kick him into the Pit of Death!
Stop kicking people into the Pit of Death! Really!
I wonder why y'all always have my back for everything!
I'm a responsible adult! Look at me... I'm booby-feeding my baby!
Sometimes I like to give him fried milk. I call them milk poppers. It's just like breast milk but it's fried
And you just pop it into their mouth! He loves it, don't you, baby!
I'm a smart shopper
I got this entire outfit in an alleyway from a Mexican woman!
Bargain, shopping, yeah!
Why do you all think I mess up?
Shit, do I look crazy to you?
Oh damn cuz, there goes my palimony.
K- Fed ain't having it, yo!
I'm not gay!
- Leonidas! - Ryan Seacrest?
Let's see what the judges have to say. Randy!
Yo, Leo, dawg man, I wasn't really feel you out on that kick, dawg!
Just all right, dawg!
- Paula? - You move me!
Simon?
- I thought that kick was utterly... dreadful! - Oh... Simon!
In fact I've seen better kicks from a geriatric donkey.
- And I'm not talking about you, Paula! - Oh that's so mean!
Oh, go f*ck yourselves!
Seacrest out!
Excellent work, my king.
It's time to consult with the prophets.
The ancient prophets were advisors to the King.
Grotesque swine! Their consults came with a bribe.
Ohh...
Oh, oh... Oxy 10... Neutrogena...
This has a SPF. This is all day protection.
Look at this... it's oily Expoliate Hydroxide!
This is good for you, man, rub it all over your disgusting face!
What need you, King Leonidas?
Ancient prophets...
I need your guidance.
I'm assembling an army of 300 to go to war with Persia...
I'm going to take them, in the rear.
And then I'm gonna reach around...
...and I'm gonna take them again from the front!
What? Why you're snickering?
Nothing, really! It's nothing.
What's so damn funny?
Look, it's all there for you to see! It's a battle formation!
Battle form... that's because, it looks like backstage of an Elton John concert.
Cut it out! This isn't funny. This is serious business.
Ahh... no Spartan goes to war, without first consulting... the Oracle.
The prophets chose only the most beautiful of Spartan girls...
...to be their Oracle.
- Ugly Betty? - She has a great personality.
Eww...
I look like Jabba the Hut, that is hot to me.
Oh!
Fo' sizzle.. my nizzle...
'Save the cheerleader, save the world'
Actually, I'm... I'm not into Heroes.
- Douche bag says, 'What?' - What?
- Chest waxer says, 'What?' - What?
You are...
What, what're you saying to me? I don't understand!
Go to war with Persia and you will surely die!
You're screwed, dude!
What?
He looks like a 'Ken' doll.
It's cold.
Tommy Lee?
Shaq?
Borat?
Why is my king so restless?
Can't sleep.
It's this whole battle of the mobility thing.
Are you still thinking about what that young Oracle said?
There is only one woman who's words you should listen to.
- Oprah! - Your wife?
Right, right!
How will I be tried in the court of public opinion?
Well, Harry knows at 'Ain't It Cool News'...
says this movie is just a cheap rip-off of '300'.
Even if the Oracle doesn't support you,
I do... and Sparta does.
This could be our last night together. Do you wanna do it?
Like we've never done it before?
97... 98...
99... 100!
Beat my record!
- Captain! - My King!
Have you assembled my army, who are ready to fight to the death for the freedom of Sparta?
Yes, King!
I wanted 300.
This seems like... less.
These were the only men, that met with your stringent specifications.
Hunky with deep Mediterranean tans.
Hot bods and...
- Yes? - Well-endowed.
Ha-woo! Ha-woo! Ha-woo! Ha-woo!
We are ready to fight for you, My King!
Never give up, never surrender! To infinity and beyond!
He has lot of heart, my king, and nice man boobs.
Indeed.
These men will do.
You...are a fine captain, Captain.
But a better friend...
- ...there is none. - Thank you.
Thank you.
Damn!
He's got a huge package.
Goodbye, father!
Farewell, my son.
Introductions?
Leonidas, this is my son, Sonio.
My King.
- Why is he not fighting? - He is not a warrior.
He's my only son, destined to carry on my name.
What do you think?
Yummy!
Work it, sister.
I think he's...fierce.
And if you don't like it... you can kiss my fat ass!
Ooh!
Congratulations, Sonio.
You're now on your way, to becoming Sparta's next top warrior.
Spartan?
My child!
I shall never forget you,
You are so small now...
but one day you will grow to be big and strong, like your father.
That's not your son.
You asshole!
Take care of your mother.
Stay tough, son.
Come back with your shield... or on it.
And if I come back on it...
I want you to move on.
I would never.
Hell, if you died, I'd play the field.
To be honest...
I've always wanted to do a fat chick.
- The men are ready, my King. - Good.
We'll head south, to the Hot Gates...
- Where we'll intercept the Persian army. - Where're you going?
The Oracle said if we went to war, we'd be screwed.
The Oracle also said, that our painted-on abs...
look fake.
But I beg to differ.
Give the order, Captain!
- Spartans, in formation! - Ha-woo!
Move out!
? Oh no, not I... I will survive ?
? Oh, as long as I know how to love ?
? I'll know I'll stay alive ?
? I've got all my life to live ?
? I've got all my love to give ?
? And I'll survive! ?
? I will survive! ?
? Hey, hey! ?
- Hmm, hmm. - Whoo!
? I'll survive! ?
? I will survive! ?
? I will survive! Hey, hey! ?
NARRATOR : The fearless Spartans reached the 'Hot Gates'...
...where danger lurked around every corner.
Halt skipping!
NARRATOR : Exhausted from their journey...
The Spartans replenished their electrolytes.
Gatorade, is it in you?
What do you think, my king?
We'll use the narrow passage by the Hot Gates, to funnel the Persians in...
where their vast numbers won't count for shit!
Captain, have the men found any other trails, that the Persians could use to attack us?
None, sir!
I know such a road, my king.
Back off, hideous creature!
There's a secret goat-path, just below the Hot Gates.
If the Persians found it, they can outflank you.
Slow your role, Captain.
Reveal yourself, creature.
- Paris Hilton? - Hey, fellas!
What happened to you?
Oh, you mean the hump?
Yeah, the hump!
It was all that, you're going to jail. Now you get out of jail...
Now you're going back to jail! And on, and on, and on, and on, huh!
It's just been totally confusing. Even Tinkerbell's got affected by it.
She hasn't moved since Saturday, but she still poops which is weird.
And me! They've turned me into this... like...
totally grotesque monster! And I don't even know what...
Oh!
Oh... hey...
Hello? Oh, hey Nicole!
Oh, nothing, just some guys with swords.
No, I'm talking about actual swords. Nicole, you're gross.
Yeah, I'm hungry, did you eat?
Oh, the almond? Oh yea, you're done eating for today.
Bye, sexy...
Look, it's my dream to be a Spartan.
What can you do?
Have you seen my video?
Oh yeah!
It's pretty good.
I'm sorry, but we cannot use you.
No... it's not fair!
Mom!
I'm not as stupid as I look!
Help!
Look, Persians!
I'm the emissary...
...to the great god-king, Xerxes...
come to accept your surrender.
- Oh, we're not here to surrender. - Ha-woo!
Xexes will enjoy making you his slaves.
Haaaaa....!
Oh... ohhh...
Ow...
Spartans!
- Yeah! - Let's battle!
Oh, we about to stomp the yard.
We are Spartans, we stomp the yard!
Check out our buns! They are rock hard!
Ooh, ooh!
Spartans! Yea!
Persians!
Let's show 'em why we're National Champs, 3 years runnin'.
You dig?!
Oh, come on!
We like wearing turbans and eating baklava. We like chicks with burkas that cover their ta-tas.
Ooh, ahh! Ooh, ahh! Perrrsia!
? You gotta shake your ass ?
Let's go!
Oh, please!
Oooh!
Don't come up in my kitchen with that weak-ass shit!
? You gotta shake your ass ?
You got served!
- Are you telling me we lost? - Dance them to the cliffs!
No mercy!
Come on, man! Can we talk about this? Oh, I just met these dudes right here. I don't even know them!
Cannonball!
Marco!
Polo!
We may have won the battle. But they will win the war!
Hah! What?
Budmeister presents... Real Men of Genius!
? Real men of genius ?
Today we salute you, Mr. Warmongering Latent Homosexual...
? Mr. Warmongering Latent Homosexual ?
Wearing nothing but leather underwear and a cape you charge your enemy...
like an oil-upped hairless wonder!
? Spray on-tan ?
Sure there's danger! Charging rhinos, stampeding elephants...
...and that cute toga-wearing guy named Chad.
? Ooh! ?
You only went out on one date but you'll remember it forever!... Forever!
? Take your daily Valtrex ?
Your keen instincts tells you to cut, slice and chop every man you see...
But enough about your career as a hair-stylist.
Let's talk war.
? Ow! The curling iron is hot! ?
So this Bud's for you King Leonidas!
Because when the going gets tough, the tough go antiquing.
? Mr. Warmongering Latent Homosexual ?
? Yeah... ?
Queen Margo, we must speak!
Loyalist, what do you want?
Nice tomatoes!
Your husband... needs you.
You must convince the council to send more troops to support your husband.
My husband is dead...
...he told me to move on. Besides, I'm already registered on J-Date.
A little to the right... that's it!
If Leonidas fails, Xerxes will take over...
and you will be stripped of your crown.
I won't be Queen?
Auw, that's too hard.
You'll lose everything.
The palace...
- Your Nintendo Wii... - No, no, no! Oww!
Your 20 inch rims on your Escalade...
...your gardener!
Antonio?
? Make it bueno ?
My husband needs me!
I'll do whatever it takes!
I'll set the meeting with the council.
But in order to win their vote,
You need to get Traitoro's support.
He holds great influence to the council.
King Leonidas! Xerxes approaches.
NARRATOR : Xerxes! He looked a lot like that fat guy from Borat.
- I'm the great god-king Xerxes. Ooh! - Ooh!
Oww, oww, oww! Not again! This always happens!
- Ow! - Ahh!
Damn!
- I'm sorry, Xerxes! - It's cool! It's cool, cool! I'm fine.
I meant to do that, huh.
Oh, shit!
I tell you, kid... you got balls!
I come over here with a big army, we're gonna sheesh kebab your ass.
Before this battle is over...
...people will know that even a god-king can fall.
Listen Leo, I came here to talk.
Just listen to my deal.
Ladies!
Hi Xerxes!
That's probably for me.
Hello! Really? Okay!
That was the banker, he's offering to buy back your briefcase...
for a week and a getaway for two...
in Las Vegas, Nevada, at the Palms Hotel and Casino.
- Oooh... - I always wanted to go there!
All you have to do... is bow down to me...
...and surrender Sparta.
Deal... or no deal?
- Take the deal! - No!
Take the deal, take the deal! Come on!
What about Sparta?
- Hit the button! - Yes, take the deal, take the deal!
Take the deal, hit the button!
Hit it.
- No deal! - Aww, damn!
By the time I'm finished with you...
Sparta will be annihilated.
It will be as though you never existed.
I will see to it, that you're written out of the history books.
Well, that's fine, by me Xerxes...
Because I can't read.
NARRATOR : Xerxes didn't take rejection well.
From every corner of his empire, he sent his most vicious warriors to fight.
Yo mama's so ghetto, when she breast-feeds, Kool-Aid comes out!
Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Tupac Shakur was a Jewish holiday!
Yo mama's so fat, her pant size is um... um... um... 'Bitch-Lose-Some-Weight'!
Yo mama's so butch, Rosie O'Donnell wouldn't even date her!
Uh-uh! No, you didn't! No, you didn't!
Well, yo mama's titties are smaller than yours!
Bounce some D's on the bitch!
Yo mama's so fat, Sir Mix-A-Lot decided, he doesn't like big butts, and he ain't lyin'!
Aww, oh, my eyes!
- How you like that, huh? - Sit down.
Yo mama's so fat that when she farts, Al Gore accuses her of global warming, dawg!
Cranking it up!
Yes, well that maybe the case, but yo mama's so hairy, the only language she speaks...
is "Wookiee"!
NARRATOR : Xerxes watched as his warriors were defeated.
It sent an all too human chill up his spine...
...or perhaps that was the Dentyne Ice, with cool mint crystals.
Loyalist said you wanted to see me.
That's my urine sample.
Tasted like asparagus.
Leonidas needs more troops, without reinforcements, Sparta will fall and...
Blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah, Blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah...
I'll do anything... for my husband.
Anything?
Awesome! I'm so getting laid!
Goodbye, virginity!
I promise you, you're not going to enjoy this, but I have ED, so it won't last very long.
That's okay! I have crabs.
Betray your beloved Spartan, and I will give you anything you desire!
That's hot!
Bow down to me!
Bow down to the great god-king,
Xerxes.
- I'm a Hilton, I don't bow! - Aye!
- But, I do bend over! - Yeah!
- Good! - There's a secret goat-path...
in the Hot Gates... you can totally use it to defeat Leonidas!
And what do you desire?
I want my record sponged.
Oh, and I want that new Chanel purse.
Thank you! I want growing up to be fun!
You've got something to say, say it! I got things to do!
What was it? I can't remem...
Oh God, jeez, yeah!
I wanna get this hump removed.
As long as Xerxes doesn't find the secret path to the Hot Gates...
their vast numbers won't count for shit!
My King!
Catch your breath! Vanilla blend-in.
What is it, boy?
Xerxes has found the secret goat-path in the Hot Gates.
Ah, shit!
- Damn that Paris Hilton. - I hate her.
He's deployed a thousand Persian soldiers. They'll be here any minute!
Dilio... How bad are your injuries?
Oh, it's... it's just a scratch, my King.
You've got no eyes.
The gods blessed me with a spare.
No, they haven't, you just have the two.
Jeremy has the spare.
But I can still fight.
Ho, Dilio... Dilio... Dilio! Dilio! - What?
Dilio, Dillio... Dilio! Walk with me.
No, no, no, no!
Your fate is the most important!
You must go back to Sparta...
- ...and tell them our tale! - Yes, my King,
Any message for the Queen?
None that need be said.
Now go Dilio. Tell how 13 Spartans...
Fought for honor...
For glory...
For freedom... Good luck, Dilio.
Spartans!
This is your final chance.
Bow down to me... or you will die.
I bow for no man!
- Take a knee! - No!
- Curtsey! - Enough!
- Well, your sandal is untied. - Oh, thanks very much!
- You see, was it that difficult? - No, wait, no!
- Atatatata! No, no! - No, I wasn't bowing! I wasn't bowing!
- I was just doing my shoe! - No, no!
You acknowledge me as your god-king. High-five!
What?
What, what, what the hell is so funny?
- You! - Me?
You greet like women.
You idiots are wearing banana hammas and you're laughing at me?
Now you're pissing me off! I'm getting everybody!
Hello, where you at?
I know where I'm at.
Bring in my vast army.
You, 13 butts...
are no match for my massive Persian army.
They number in the millions!
That's just a blue screen!
Stupid! It's a visual effect!
It's going to be digitally inserted later.
And the army is quite impressive as you can imagine.
Gentlemen, may I present, Queen Margo.
Shake it, baby!
Okay boys, make it rain!
Good Councilmen...
I implore you.
Your king... my dear husband, needs your help.
Sparta will fall if you don't agree to send the rest of our army.
Gentlemen, our only hope for survival is to surrender to Xerxes...
and beg for his forgiveness.
Do not be swayed by the words of this... common slut!
- No, no you didn't! - Yes, yes I did!
NARRATOR : Queen Margo unleashed a venomous rage.
Much like Tobey Maguire in Spider-Man 3.
I'm evil!
Made of sand. Oh!
Oh, no!
Oh, cute!
Gross!
What?
Oh, oh, God, oh!
How you like me now, Sandman?
Oh, no!
That dusting bitch, no!
Aaaah! Noooo!
Tickle my nipples with a feather, Xerxes is in Traitoro's Top 5.
Traitoro was a traitor?
Duh!
All in favor of sending more troops...
- Say, 'Aye!' - Aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye!
- Spartans! - Huh!
We have you surrounded,
Lay down your weapons!
- Come and get them! - Formation!
- Umm... - The Spartan always protects another man's rear!
Adjust your sword, boy!
It's sticking into my back.
No, I'm not wearing my sword.
Carry on, then.
My son?
Today, you're truly Spartan.
Thanks father.
Attack!
Steady, Spartans.
Remember this day, boys...
for today is the day you die!
- Huh! What? - What?
I, I mean they die. Today is the day they die.
That was what I meant to say.
Go!
Oh, what a bunch of dumb-shits.
God, that smarts!
I'm gonna go Hercules on your ass!
Arrrgghhhhh...
Ghost Rider!
You're going to hell.
- Die! - Oh! Oh! Oh...
Oh! Huh!
Stop, drop, and roll! Stop, drop, and roll!
Ohh!
- No! - Yo, Sonio?
- I'm a knocko your blocko! - Oh, shit!
Sonio!
You'll pay for this, Balboa.
Go for it!
Adult diapers?
Botox over-dose.
Yes!
Yeah! Ha-ha!
Yeah!
Yes!
Xerxes! No...
It's... it's a beautiful death.
It's actually not that attractive.
? I'm a Barbie girl In a Barbie world ?
? Life in plastic, it's fantastic ?
? Come on, Barbie. Let's go party! Ah, ah, ah, yeah. ?
? Come on, Barbie. Let's go party ?
Ooh!
Shit!
Enough of this victorious video game violence!
Ah... yeah... The Transformer cube.
Okay baby, let's transform!
I... am Xerxestron, equipped with the Trans-alien technology!
Leave Britney alone!
- He is a god-king... - Please!
Leave her alone!
NARRATOR : Leonidas was true to his word...
A god-king did fall!
But unfortunately, right on them!
I... I... I just...
Ohh!
Ooh!
- Queen Margo? - Yeah!
NARRATOR : Leonidas and the Spartans...
died for honor...
for glory...
They died...
a beautiful death.
Today, we stand against 30,000 Persians.
But we now have, a 100,000 soldiers!
Ha-woo! Ha-woo! Ha-woo!
To victory!
Ah! Follow me boys!
NARRATOR : And thus, Dilio blindly led the Spartans away from the Persians...
...to Malibu...
just as Lindsay Lohan was leaving rehab... again!
? At first, I was afraid ?
? I was petrified ?
? Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side ?
? But then I spend so many nights, thinking how you did me wrong ?
? And I grew strong ?
? And I learned how to get along ?
? And so you're back ?
? From outer-space ?
? I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face ?
? I should have changed my stupid lock, I should have made you leave your key ?
? If I had known for just one second, you'd be back to bother me ?
? Go now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now! 'Cause you're not welcome anymore! ?
? Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me goodbye? Did you think I'd crumble? Did you think I'd lay down and die? ?
? Oh no, not I. I will survive! ?
? Oh, as long as I know how to love, I'll know I'll stay alive! ?
? I've got all my life to live! I've got all my love to give! And I'll survive. I will survive. ?
? Hey, hey! ?
Wassup, dawg? ? You took all the strength I had ?
? And let me fall apart, dawg? ?
? I'm trying hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart ?
? And I spent oh, so many nights just feeling sorry for myself ?
- ? I used to cry. ? - ? But now I hold my head up high! ?
? And you see me. Somebody new. ?
? I'm not that change-up little person still in love with you ?
It's "Britney" bitch!
? Oh you felt like dropping in and just expect me to be free ?
? Now I'm savin' all my lovin' for someone who's lovin' me ?
Ooh, come on! Ahh, hah, hah!
Britney's in the house. Where my babies at? Ahh, like this.
? Go, now go. Walk out the door. ?
? Just turn around now. 'Cause you're not welcome anymore! ?
? Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me goodbye. You think I'd crumble? ?
? Do you think I would lay down and die? Oh no, not I! I will survive! ?
? Oh, as long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive ?
? I've got all my life to live. I've got all my love to give. And I'll survive! ?
? I will survive. Hey, hey, hey! ?